I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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