update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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