I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
