yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
