Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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