I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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