if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My life is pants optional.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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