oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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