Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.