Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
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I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december