I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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