Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
