WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
