someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.