I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.