Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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