If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
