i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Drake has all the answers
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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