Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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