Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
