I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
