I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
