You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
