On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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