I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
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If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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