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I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
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