I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
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He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings