So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all