The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
