I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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