Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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