Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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