im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
