The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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