You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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