We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
