PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
