check it out our google latitudes are spooning
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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