I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
