not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
