Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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