i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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