This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
