if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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