Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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