she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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