Your face is a jimmy john
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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