I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
