The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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