It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
