I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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