I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
