You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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