We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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