we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
