census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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