The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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