so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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